Constraints of Independence

in·de·pend·ence –noun
1.Also, independency. the state or quality of being independent.
2.freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.
3.Archaic. a competency.
When i look back at my life, I see that this word has had a lot to do with how I have lead my life(especially in the last 8 years). My childhood was spent in a cosmopolitan culture, owing to which I thought my measure of exposure& hence independence was relatively more than would have been of any small-town child. Though Delhi had a lot to do with shaping up my idea & need for freedom, my parents did their bit by making me realise the need & importance of being on my own ( independent as i may coin it). Once I moved to engineering college, my father who had forcibly stuck to job opportunities in and around NCR( because my sis & I were in school till then), began to explore opportunities out of town, and in no time of me having assumed life in college, did my parents move out of Delhi. The cessation of my parents' chaperoning the and the beginning of life in hostel gave me a greater chance to explore life on my own.
Though I talk about having grown independent in the past 8 years, I do beleive that it is much more deep-seated, and though the journey towards being independet can be prominently traced back from the times my parents left me on my own in Delhi, I am sure the seeds for the same were sown by my parents long ago when they were bringing me up.
While I dont want to take away any credit from my parents on the way they brought me up, I think it wont be fair if I dont mention the other side of the classical debate of nurture vs. nature. Yes, all I mean is that by nature I am someone who likes to be independent, to be on my own, to make my own decisons, and take responsibilites of both success and failure. I remember having made some of my biggest decisions in life all on my own. My decision to do an MBA immediately after engg was just one of them. And I thank my parents that they never questioned or imposed their opinion on me. I still remember when I was filling up forms for MBA entrances, I had decided to appear only for three exams, and that too no addendum applications to them. I had kept my options extremely niche, I knew if I dont make it to one of the three I dont have to do an MBA in that year. As a result of my decision I sometimes do feel that I should have done an MBA after acquiring some work-exp, but then the amazing experience of IITK just justifies the loss (if at all) I may have incurred by doing a back to back degree. At the end of the day, the blame is mine, the praise is mine...and I am glad both are mine!!
One of my friends once said: 'I want my wife to be as independant as you, shubham'. I remember having chuckled at that!! Reason being, independence is not a potion that you grind and push down someone's thoat, its a state of mind, its your attitude, and to top it all its a result of years of nurturing; also it takes the kind of toil (which I did voluntarily), that I once undertook in life.
While I have intelligently and responsibly exercised freedom in every aspect of life, both as a student & now as a working professional, there was one aspect which was always a source of both concern and pride in my life, that was my financial independence. As a spendthrift, independence of this sort was not only an achievement for me but also a necessity. Since life in Delhi could get really expensive when it came to enjoying, I made sure whatever I spend on my enjoyment/luxury should be my own hard-earned and not my parents' sweat-n-toil. That way I knew I would realise the real cost of every bit of enjoyment. And mind you, its not that my parents didnt have the resources, they posibly had more than was required to support two children. But their money was hard-earned, and in order to develop the respect for the same, I decided that any splurge that I did would be with my own money.
Here I would like to define two things which already people must be controversially guessing. One being, what was this 'splurge' that I wanted to do. Mind u, my definition of splurge was very simplistic, far from what a notorious mind can think. It meant buying a pair of branded footwear every weekend ( i love footwears, i own more than someone can possibly tolerate) & a luxurious spa at a nice up-scale salon, in those days (and still) VLCC. I mean this is luxury, and for those of you who are looking at this with the looks " Weirdo, do u even know what luxury/splurge means??', well in my definition it meant what i just mentioned. And thanks to this definition, in my hostel I used to be famous for having the maximum number of footwears(though I was famous also for an ever-bursting wardrobe of clothes, but my liking for clothes never till date have matched my fetish for shoes) and often girls borrowed a pair to match with their dress for the odd date that they went on. Also talking about the pampering VLCC spa...... boy!! nothing matches that feeling, and even till date there are a lot of working women professional who maynot have the heart/money for a splurge like that. The pride with which i mention these things here is not because these were upscale & fashionable things to do ( in fact there were far more fashionable things, like going to discotheques, which believe me i have done on count of fingers, and that too the counting finishes just as it begin i.e. my whole life experience at a discotheque has been once, though i was an avid dancer at JAM sessions in college fests!!).
The second contraversy that I think I should be clarifying here is, what was the 'source of money' for all the splurge that I did. Well, doesnt sound extraordinary but it will as and when I go into the mintue details of the experience. I used to teach 10th standard maths tuitions to a student in kashmere gate (very close to my college). I have always loved Maths as a subject. But the irony that I was caught in in my chosen vocation was that if I had taught that student for long enough I would have begun to hate the subject. That guy was 'dumbness' personified!! My hostel wingmates had given him the epithet of 'dumb-head', and nothing could have more appositely & simply described what he actually was. My dissemination of any mathematical knowledge to him made me feel guilty of my liking & knowledge for the subject.
To elicit more on his potential, let me tell you that his claim to fame was that he had already flunked 9th standard, so my task was to help him clear the 9th standard compartment exams(which I successfully did - and for that u really need to pat me on my back) & then prepare him for the 10th standrd board exams(wwhich...ok, never mind!!). After paying me Rs. 250 per hour for several months, all he could manage was a 8 on 100 in the final board exam. Can u imagine 8 on 100!! oh my GOD!! which soil did GOD use to carve his brain or rather I should say what was the quality of fodder filled into his brain... While the whole experience of making money from teaching tuitions was exciting & richening, the end result was putting off enough. When I heard that he flunked with 8 on 100, I felt like nick-naming myself 'dumb-head' for the fact that I accepted him as a pupil, and ofcourse for not even having had him get 33 on 100. Was 33, so much of a task?? I guess not, but yes I am sure it wasnt as easy as 8, which you can easily get for the sheer cleanliness & neatness of blank white paper on your answer script (if I were the examiner I would awarded 8 marks by looking at 8 blank sheets...which is what I am sure the board examiner did too!!). And as if this shock wasnt enough for me, his mother had wanted me to teach him for his compartment exams too...oh my GOD, I said, I couldnt have borne the trauma of putting him through trauma for another 3 months. So I quit that job, though I would love to take up teaching Mathematics as a vocation (I shall use my past experince as a caveat in selecting my pupil). Though the source of income stopped, I had other things to keep the money flowing in, I did oriflame network marketing for some time, only to realise that marketing was a tough task ( kudos to my DAD who has done it for nearly 30 years now, pitty i wasnt cloned with his gene in this aspect...I really appreciate these marketers).
Of course, all this stopped once I went to Kanpur, but believe me in Kanpur I had many more enriching experiences so the need of for richening diminished. I was a restraint spender in the 1st year. But in the 2nd year, after my Bangalore stay for my internship, there was just no looking back. I was spending in the 2nd year as amuch as I was spending in the internship days. Those were the days that hit my Dad's pocket the most...anyway that's history now...and here are the days when I am earning & the days when I am suppose to be earning.
Reiterating the financial independence part, I exhibit utmost pride in flaunting my financial independence. I am never perturbed to pay the bill of sitting out at a coffee shop with a friend, because it just gives me a kick, a reminder "Shubham, you are fiancially independant". And though I dont want to publically promote this, lest all coffee-cravers would soon be inviting me to cafe coffee day all the time; the point that I am trying to put across is that financial independence to me has been not only the achievement of my life, but has grown into an inherent need of my composition in terms of my self-esteem & ego.
Where I am coming from is that if suppose I get married to a guy who is filthy rich & hence asks me not to work, my sheer problem is where will I get the money to justify & splurge limitlessly. I mean, though he could have a big bank balance & I would be the beholder of several add-on credit cards, but then thats not my money & for the money that doesnt belong to me, I dont think I have the liberty (all by myself) to decide what all I can spend on. What i might do in a situation mentioned to me, is still not conclusive, simply because it is hypothetical & hence a lot of parameters stand missing.
So I just leave this as an issue to be pondered on...if ever required. And the clue to reaching a conclusion on this issue lies in what Professor Rahul Varman once said(I am sure it wasnt his orignal, but it was him that I had first heard this from). He said:
Freedom lies in realising that constraints exist.
My pride in my independence & the irony it bestows on me suggests that while I bask in the glory of my paycheck & bank-balance, I have to realise that this freedom is costing me my ability to accept someone else pay for my needs. While it does disturb me, I am optimistic that togetherness may change/tweak a lot of ideals & principles of my life. And i am sure they will be for the better!! I have heard that relationships make one very accomodative, and hopefully they not only make people accomodative in the intangibles/ tacit behaviors of a partner but also in the material attributes that are showered on you as a result of him/her. My guesses are that dependence is an integral component of building closeness in the kind of relationship that I am aspiring to get into. And the crux to getting into a relationship & maintaining it successfully shall lie in my understanding that: independence cannot be completely/wholly determined by financial independence. And somewhere I know that devoid of the financial independence, I still shall be 'independent', because it is second nature to ME.